When his skateboarding career is all said and done, we may very well remember Manny Santiago most for his loving personality, contest wins, philanthropy and Olympic representation of Puerto Rico. We might even remember his onslaught on Los Angeles skate spots and his seemingly effortless ability to flip into any handrail. However, even with all these amazing attributes by one of skateboarding’s most benevolent pros, what we will certainly never forget is his smile. A smile defined by the character that is Manny Santiago–just a guy with a missing tooth and a dream. But what if, beyond the iconic smile, the professional accolades and the picture perfect lifestyle, just out of sight was a moment and drama where the legacy of Manny Santiago was nearly lost. This is the story of how the Puerto Rican Prince not only championed the monster inside him but continues to fight it every single day.
Interview by Zane Foley
Photography by Luis Ferrá
Published in April 2021
There’s something poetic about the most iconic smile in skateboarding being a voice for mental health. How are you able to be a voice in this conversation that is often so difficult to talk about?
First off, thank you for such a beautiful statement, [laughs]. For someone who has a chipped tooth and smiles a lot, I appreciate that. It just goes to show how beauty is imperfection. With that being said, I used to be like everybody else that had never gone through it. Just being happy, being thankful I have two legs and that I can skate. But I had to go through a mental health queue in order to understand and be able to help people—instead of being ignorant to the mental health issue and knowing that there is an underlining happiness. Yes, happiness is a choice but that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy. That’s why I feel I am able to speak on mental health through my own experiences. Luckily, I was able to fight through it and here I am today to be able to help people however I can.
You spoke on how when you first stepped on a board that day in Lowell, Massachusetts, all the problems you had magically vanished. Over your skate career was it ever a struggle for skating to be your oasis from reality?
It’s like with anything if you do it long enough. Eventually your creative side starts to feel diluted by not pushing yourself, by not surrounding yourself with people who motivate you or equally are as happy as you, or people that challenge you. What you end up loving slowly starts to get saturated and things start to infiltrate your freedom. That’s when you truly stop loving yourself and start letting other people tell you, you’re not good enough. That’s when you start letting people destroy what you love and your freedom. Which at these times, for me it was skating. But whether it’s skating, writing, art, whatever you love, when you start letting people break through your barrier, it doesn’t matter what your oasis is–once you lose yourself you lose your force field. You gotta protect that.
What would you tell the skateboarders out there who might feel unprotected or struggle to find their oasis from reality?
I would tell them in order to find your inner power and to protect yourself, it starts with love. You have to love yourself and love is hard. To love is hard when you are dark, it’s easier to walk into darkness than walk towards the light but in order to see, you need light. In order to see yourself, you have to walk towards love.
Why do you think skateboarders might struggle to amplify love or self-love?
You have to cut your ego. Even if you’re not sure you know someone or it’s someone you don’t always hang out with, you can still share that energy, that love, that passion, that positive energy. I can say “Yo, that was cool, that was tight!” But at the same time I don’t have to follow you for your whole life in order to tell you that what you did was cool. And that’s the problem. They’re too busy trying to water a plant that isn’t theirs. They want to become something or someone that isn’t them. Look at me. I’m someone who is very loving and a happy person. I like to be surrounded by people but I also like my solitude. I like to isolate myself so I can re-energize myself. But if I like something, and I’m like, “Yo that’s awesome, that’s dope!” I feel like the energy that’s coming from that, that’s true to myself and allowing me to glow within my own existence. Versus going, “That was cool,” but I’m not going to tell them because “I’m not supposed to talk to that person because they’re nowhere near the level I’m at.” That’s wrong. At the end of the day, no matter what it is, your profession isn’t bigger than you. People don’t understand that. They’re so busy trying to play a role in an act and then ten years down the road they end up alone or drink themselves to death or get into drugs. Their inner demons take over and they kill themselves. And that’s really the problem. I’d rather be true to myself and be myself and uplift other people than become someone that when I look in the mirror, I don’t know who I am. If anything of what I said was meant to make sense, it’s that. Find yourself. Find who you are and be true to yourself and learn to love. Even if you were raised in a place that didn’t have love, you still can love. You love skating, so that’s a start. What about skating do you love? Show love. Love is truly the answer. Bob Marley had it all right. I never really understood that as a child. The idea of love is a lot bigger than the credit people give it.
You said skateboarding is a school in itself but why do you think there is a lack in the education of mental health and how can we do a better job?
Skateboarding gives us a lot of tools and teaches us a lot of things to help us survive in life. But just like anything else, there’s a lack of love in skateboarding and a lack of education when it comes to supporting and appreciating our brothers and our sisters. There’s a lack of touching subjects like the bravado and always having to be tough or that showing mental weakness is weak. It’s not. It’s not even about mental weakness. There’s a real lack in allowing people to express themselves and give them the time to understand why they are acting how they are. Skateboarding has to do a better job to understand when people are going dark, why they are going dark and say, “Hey, let’s talk about it.” Or be able to say, “Don’t worry about filming a video part if you’re going through this. Let’s work on what you’re going through.” You know, tell them you’re bigger than just a video part or an ad.
How can skateboarding help understand the pressure it puts on our mental health?
Even the pressure skateboarding puts on you can cause mental health issues. It’s putting pressure on people who ultimately weren’t prepared for that kind of pressure. Skateboarding can do a better job to help nurture that—”Okay, you’re not ready for that type of pressure, so let’s take a step back and see how we can help grow you.” If skateboarding wants to be a business, it ultimately has to invest in helping people. Ultimately, we have to do better at learning how to treat people. You can’t just use and abuse them and in hindsight that goes for pro skaters [themselves] as well. Having to know when too much is too much or when it’s gone too far and you’re not skating for the passion anymore. You need to assess your situation.
How can skateboarding help reciprocate love and alleviate pressure for Pros?
We skate ultimately because it gives us freedom. I don’t skate to pay my bills. Yes, it pays my bills but I don’t ultimately pick up my board every day or push down the street and skate flat with Paul [Rodriguez] or meet up with my friends because that’s what pays my bills. I do that because skateboarding is genuinely what I love to do. And I think that skateboarding needs to reciprocate that love by touching on mental health. At the end of the day, skateboarding is a gift in itself but we lack in touching on the mental health conversation. I do as much as I can and I feel like people in power and people that can influence brands and skaters, even fans; we all need to do our best to teach about mental health because everybody in skateboarding has at least one family member or friend who is dealing with mental health and the more it’s talked about and the more we can help obviously the better. We mourn skaters when they die but we don’t want to do anything when they’re going through it. That’s what’s wrong with the mental health conversation in skateboarding. We have to figure out a way to help them before it’s too late.
Something that people might not know about you, is that you suffered from mental health issues in the past. So much so, as you put it, you were five steps away from dying. Would you mind sharing with us your battles with it and how you’ve learned to fight it everyday?
You know I’m an open book. I feel like the only way to truly be able to help others is to be transparent. I have nothing to hold back because if I hold back then I am doing a disservice to how I got past it and understanding why I went through and overcame that hurdle.
Thank you Manny. When did you start to realize you had these issues?
It all started when I was in a past relationship. We were together for four years and it wasn’t until we lived together that I found out she was dealing with anxiety and depression. At first, I didn’t know what that meant. I was like, “What does that even mean?” Because I’m always so jolly and happy all the time. Yeah, I’m not perfect and I get angry and sad at times but to me that was always just life. I’m otherwise pretty jolly and energetic all the time. We eventually broke up and I kept asking myself what could I have done to better understand what she was going through. How could I have been a better partner? I remember the day, it was 3 pm and I was sitting on my bed wishing I could understand what she was going through so I could have helped. I just didn’t understand so I kinda asked for it. It’s crazy to ask for that but I thought that I was really strong and I could handle anything that came my way. I went on living my life and for the most part I was chilling. Then it was like four months later I had gotten into a new relationship and then just one day, I was just driving and my brain just started talking to itself. I was questioning myself out loud like, “Why are you talking to yourself? Why are you saying these things that I don’t want you to say?” Then it wouldn’t stop. I’m one of those people who likes to be in control of my life so when I couldn’t control my mind, everything just became worse. Everyday like, “Manny, why are you still talking?”
Your mind wouldn’t shut off?
I had no silence in my life, in my mind. My brain wouldn’t stop and then I got on a plane which made it even worse. By the time I got back to Los Angeles, I was just so confused. The next day, it didn’t go away. Then the next day and the next day it didn’t go away. I was so confused. Everything was attacking me. Everything I looked at, everything I did. I couldn’t get my mind to stop. I would just start crying out of nowhere. Then I would get in my car, telling myself I was going to drive until I couldn’t drive anymore but I would only drive for like 5 minutes before turning around and going back home. I told myself I couldn’t skate. I couldn’t do anything. What is this monster that is growing in my head?
Did you feel as if you were alone?
I remember talking to my partner at the time telling her what was happening. She was the only person that would call me at the time and my mind would go silent. Then she would hang up and I would be normal for a few minutes but then it would come back. I would just go crazy, like “What the hell is going on?” My emotions were all over the place but I knew I had to be with her. I flew back to Puerto Rico and when I was with her and the first couple of days I was fine. But then it started to attack her and I’s relationship. It started to attack her and our space. To make it worse, I did a lot of stupid shit, I mean, sorry–I did a lot of irresponsible things because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I remember talking to my partner at the time telling her what was happening. She was the only person that would call me at the time and my mind would go silent. Then she would hang up and I would be normal for a few minutes but then it would come back. I would just go crazy, like “What the hell is going on?” My emotions were all over the place but I knew I had to be with her. I flew back to Puerto Rico and when I was with her and the first couple of days I was fine. But then it started to attack her and I’s relationship. It started to attack her and our space. To make it worse, I did a lot of stupid shit, I mean, sorry–I did a lot of irresponsible things because I just couldn’t take it anymore.
So much so you had serious suicidal thoughts?
One night I just walked on the highway for six hours, contemplating jumping in front of trucks, walking into the highway traffic or jumping off the cliffs into the ocean. I just walked until I couldn’t walk anymore. I remember I had blisters bleeding on my feet from hours of walking. Eventually I was just on the side of the highway, curled into a ball. I felt like I was losing my life, losing my mind, losing myself and I couldn’t do anything about it. It wouldn’t stop. Then the next day, I felt so embarrassed. I put her and all my friends into a terrible position because they were freaking out all night. I just left them without telling them, you know? I felt really embarrassed and really vulnerable but my mind was calm for some reason after. It felt like maybe this was the beginning.
Your fight against these mental health issues started to take an upward turn?
I spent a couple days with her, trying to take care of myself. I started to defeat it little by little, day by day. Eventually I saw it for what it was. I told the monster, you can’t control me. You can’t control my life. No matter how hard you try to come back, I know you exist now and I will defeat you.
How did you achieve that?
For the next six months it would creep up and I would laugh it off. I would literally laugh it off and it would go away. All the thoughts and the terrible things, whatever it was: bad thoughts, depression, anxiety whatever it is that you want to call it, but I was finally in control of the monster. And now it doesn’t really exist. It’s like the nine-tailed fox that I have caged. I’m in control of my attacker and I never let it out. But it was everyday and not every day is perfect. I fought it every single day. Every single day, I had to fight. But now I am back to myself and the happiest I’ve ever been. Skating, living my life. And that’s my story.
How are you able to share your story? Where does that courage come from?
I asked for it. I went through it and now I understand when I see my friends or people I know going through it or feeling some type of way, I just talk to them. Tell them my story and how, you might see me happy all the time but there’s days when I’m going through it and I just keep on fighting. To be alive is a gift. To be able to love is a gift. To be able to be free is a gift and it’s a gift I’m not willing to give up without a fight. And if it takes every single day to have to do that, then best believe I’m fighting everyday.
Until I can’t physically move, I’m not going to get this checked out. Seems like a lot of skaters approach mental health in this respect and then it’s too late: Would you agree?
I definitely agree. I was literally, five steps away from dying. I could have just jumped into the highway when I was walking around at 3:00 am, losing my mind but I waited until the very last moment to speak out on it to people. Luckily the people I did reach out to were kind enough to give me their time and support. I thank them so much for that and I think everybody needs to check in as soon as you feel anything. Whether it’s you’re depressed or sad and I get it, it can sound hypocritical when people give you advice; when they say, “Go outside or be around people,” and you don’t want to do that stuff. It’s when people don’t want to do that stuff, that’s the darkness creeping saying you need to be alone, cringe in a ball where you can’t move. Those are the things you have to fight. You have to fight and go outside. Go to the park, hang out with your friends. Even if you’re not talking about it, just hang out and be in the presence of love. That energy will recharge you. It will help. When you feel down, honestly, being alone or thinking that you’re alone in this fight is the worst thing you can do. Especially when you’re going through any type of depression or anxiety or mental health issue. Even waiting to see a psychiatrist or a therapist. The wait is the mistake. Go to loved ones if you have to. Go to people that will actually listen to you and care and give you their time of day because ultimately, they will recharge you with that energy and that love. That is another thing that is lacking when it comes to mental health and skateboarding. People wanting help–you’re not weak. Everybody is strong. We’re skateboarders, nobody is weak.
Can you describe the moment you reached out to your loved ones for help?
It was beautiful. At that time I had gone back [to Puerto Rico] and was like, “Look guys, I just want to let you know, I don’t know what’s happening but I’m in a really dark place. I’m scared but I’m fighting it every day. I’m not okay but I want to be around you guys and I hope that’s okay.” I let them know that if they ‘see me staring at a wall or acting out of character, please slap me out of it. Just bring me outside or talk about something or watch a basketball game or whatever it may be. And they were all saying, “We love you Manny and we are here for you. We don’t want anything to happen to you and just to let you know, we all go through this every day. We just don’t talk about it.” I got really mad at them, in a funny way saying, “How come you guys never told me about this? I want to be there for you guys.” But we just didn’t know how to talk about it. Then I realized, all we had to do was talk about it. Literally, open your mouth and start talking and that way we can all just understand. Understand that no one is perfect and that’s just how it is. It was a beautiful moment for all of us and it brought us that much closer to know that we can rely on each other and help build each other up. People just don’t know how to take that first step but hopefully the more that we are able to talk about mental health, the less people we lose.
You have a saying: “Water your plant.” Can you talk more about this saying, how it came to be and how it helps you on a daily basis?
One of my past relationships, we were living together and taking care of our garden. That’s where the saying really comes from. She would always be saying, “Don’t forget to water the plant.” Then overtime, when these things would happen and I would deal with them, she would say, “Look, you watered your plant.” It’s just something that stuck with me and over time it became a saying I tell people since it’s easy to understand and you don’t have to look at yourself. You can look at the plant and understand that in order for it to grow and give you vegetables or bear fruit, you have to water it and give it health. The same thing you do with the plant, you do with yourself. Ask yourself what you need to grow fruit, grow nutrition for yourself. Not for everybody else but for you. That’s where the saying ultimately comes from or grew from,[laughs].
Is that what led you to start taking your infamous cold showers?
It all started with my partner and I, Christiana Means. Being at the level of competition skateboarding we are at. Actually, today is her second day home from ACL surgery. She’s just happy because even though she fights it every day, we know what it’s like to do things we don’t want to do. And that goes into having to fight your demons and your ego when you don’t want to. You can really extend it to all life, realizing that all these things are really beneficial: cold showers, ice baths, stretching, meditation, and being present. We don’t always want to do that but we force ourselves to do these things. Over time, on days that you don’t want to, it becomes second nature because you know it helps overcome anything you may not want to do. Whether it’s a trick or an event or a life situation.
How does this mode of thinking help you fight on a daily basis?
I remember this past summer, dealing with everything in my life and just it being so hot here in the Valley, [Reseda, California]. I was getting frustrated with all these things but whenever it got too much I would take an outdoor cold shower and right away it lightened my mood. You get all these emotions and energy just from a cold shower. It’s as if all the negative emotions are washing off my body. It literally resets my emotions in a positive way. So if you’re able to reset your emotions on a daily basis, then when you find yourself being tested emotionally or find yourself in a situation that can actually affect you, you have what it takes to defeat it. That’s the motivation behind taking an ice bath or a cold shower outdoors when it’s 30 degrees in the morning. It’s all part of the daily test to just fight for a better future for yourself.
If you had a button that would change one thing what would it be and would you push it?
No, absolutely not because then life wouldn’t take its course. I feel like beauty comes from having to learn and deal with change. It’s our way of growing. I’m sorry I answered fast and punctually but I wanted to go with my gut instinct and not think about it too much.
No more questions Manny. Feel free to take this time to thank anyone or close it out.
I would like to say thank you for tuning in, reading in. That I appreciate all the people out there waking up every day battling mental health. I know I went through it filming my latest video for Thrasher during the pandemic. I hope you guys like the video and this interview and it inspires you all to go skate. Everything I said, I don’t want to circle back and change. I am raw and uncut and that’s how I like to express myself. We’re helping others and that’s important.
I appreciate you sharing your story with us Manny. You got me hyped to skate today.
You see that? That transaction. That’s what skateboarding is missing. I was inspired by this conversation. I had to tell you how amazing it was. I didn’t have to do it but then you just said how you were inspired to now go skate today. You see that? That was all love. That was literally a transferring of energy and love through skateboarding. That’s what the world needs more of in every way possible.
IG: @mannysantiago
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