Some days just start and end navigating feelings you can’t explain, feelings appearing for reasons you may not understand. Some days, you just hope it’s not all helpless, that merely enduring depression isn’t as good as it gets. Maybe, I’m only speaking for myself. Maybe, I’m also speaking for you, for someone you know. Though, since I can only speak for myself, I’ll start off by saying, I have experienced it. I know what it is like. It’s this ongoing attempt to find balance, to better understand the why and the how of the darker periods of my life. Periods that feel like they’ll last forever, without a glimmer of happiness and connection. While it’s encouraged to talk about it, having this conversation when you’re suffering can be difficult. It’s a truth you’d rather hold-in, letting it burn you from inside than share it with others. Perhaps, it is the fear of stigmatization, of judgement, of straying from society’s conditioning; or simply, the belief it could change the way others see you. Whatever it is, these are some of the ways we construct the walls that keep us silent, isolated and suffering.
Words by Adam Gray – Photos by Kurt Hayashi
The beautiful and talented Kurt Hayashi passed away unexpectedly after this project launched. Please consider supporting his family during those hard times with love and any amount you can donate, thank you
Speaking with John Rattray (legendary, Scottish pro-skater) on the topic of mental health is very refreshing. He talks about his own struggles in an honest and pragmatic way. It is as though, he’s simply discussing an aspect of his life, but not a part of his identity. In doing so, he’s helping to demonstrate a path forward for those similarly struggling to cope and communicate their own struggles.
In 2011, John tragically lost his sister Katrina when she took her life at the age of 31. The grief and pain he was left with made him want to bring attention and fundings to mental health issues. This desire became an attainable reality with the appearance of crowdfunding pages like GoFundMe.
In 2017, he hit the road on his first skate-cycle mission to raise money and awareness for the Scottish Association of Mental Health. He called it “The Good Egg Tour” from the classic ramp trick, the Eggplant. The hundred mile-long journey began from his home in Portland, Oregon, crossing the cascade and mountains, it ended at the Pacific coastline. The trip was blessed with the support of beatific skate shaman John Cardiel and several of Rattrays’ friends. Motivated by the response to this first trip, Rattray embarked again the following year. This time, he didn’t only bike 100 miles but also set a world record for 100 Eggplants in a day.
“We should stop asking what’s wrong with you and ask instead, ‘What happened to you?'” – John Rattray
“All roads lead back to puns,” John jokes about the title of his 2019 mission, his latest, “Why So Sad?”. With another 100 miles cycle-skate fundraising mission, between the UK and Oregon, Rattray sought to accomplish the mythical “Lance Mountain approved Sad-Plant.” This recent effort resulted not only in a short documentary but also a board released through REAL Skateboard’s “Actions REALized program.”
As to how the deck came about, he explains: “I wanted to do something [on top of the mission/doc] as a way of generating additional funds but I just didn’t have the time to do a run of boards and deal with all of that. Especially since there are people who are way more into making boards, way more equipped, that’s what they do every day! So I hit Jim Thiebaud up on the off chance he would be into it and he was like “yeah let’s do it as an Action REALized project.”
The name of the project has its roots in the work of Johann Hari, author of “Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions.” In his work, Hari identifies and discusses the nine causes of depression. What stands out to Hari and also struck John, is that though two of the nine causes are biological, the other seven are “circumstantial.” This changes the narrative on how we view and discuss mental health issues.
“It seems to point to the understanding that depression and anxiety are very reasonable responses, reactions to the fact that we’re living in a pretty crazy world. Crazy things happen to kids all the time in their upbringing and the trauma they experience. We should stop asking what’s wrong with you and ask instead, “What happened to you?” explained Rattray. “Why So Sad?” seeks to answer that question in an effort to change the way we understand, discuss and deal with the rise of depression and anxiety throughout the world.
Depression has no boundaries, it doesn’t care for ethnicity, culture or class. Unfortunately, skateboarding is not immune to these struggles. We were all tragically made aware last year, when on May 14th the beloved skater, Ben Raemers, took his own life. In the wake of his death, the pain and confusion many felt helped inspire a broader and more public conversation on depression and suicide within skateboarding circles. Resulting in others sharing their own struggles and encouraging more open dialogue on the subject.
In response to the tragic event, his friends and family created the Ben Raemers Foundation. The foundation aims to bring “awareness on mental health issues and suicide to the forefront” and end the stigma and burden so often clouding these issues.
“I hope one day we’ll be able to talk about depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts the same way we talk about a swellbow. I hope that each of us will have the skills to help ourselves and each other through the storm when things get rough.” – John Rattray
A portion of the money raised from the board and crowdfunding from “Why So Sad?” will go to support the Foundation’s work. “[the work includes] Interviews with other skaters talking about their stories and their approach to dealing with mental health challenges,” said Rattray. He hopes to eventually roll out some Mental Health First Aid training with some people in the skate community.”
Approaches like MHFA can change not only the way we perceive depression but also, provide tools to better respond. It’s John’s hope to make resources and training more available to the skateboarding community through connections and events already in existence. “Hopefully, we can scale some of that activity into the skate industry, shop networks here in the states. The more awareness, understanding and education that we can spread out, the better,” John told me.
One such response technique is “ALGEE”, an approach to help those going through a depressive period. ALGEE stands for: Assess for risk of suicide or harm, Listen non judgmentally, Give reassurance and information, Encourage appropriate professional help, Encourage self-help and other support strategies.
ALGEE helps to destigmatize the mystique of seeking support for these issues. It further demonstrates the potential for help an educated community can achieve.
The top graphic of the Action REALized deck is a collage of crowdsourced photos of skaters from all over the world doing sad plants in a gesture of support and solidarity for what Rattray is trying to accomplish. “It became this community collective, global skate community graphics idea. Just to push the fact that in skateboarding we have a built-in global network. That if you look around there’s always going to be someone you can reach out to that’s down to help and down to listen.”
His Action REALized deck, shows how terms like “MHFA” help shift the way the issues are seen. “I hope one day we’ll be able to talk about depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts the same way we talk about a swellbow. I hope that each of us will have the skills to help ourselves and each other through the storm when things get rough.”
It’s a refreshing approach and one he takes when discussing his own mental health struggles with me. So often the conversation you hear in popular media involves efforts to hide one’s fear of judgement or feelings of hopelessness. So when I asked John about his own awareness and experiences around mental health before and following the impact of his sister’s suicide, I found his response impactful for how matter of fact and pragmatic it is. As someone who’s always had trouble discussing my own emotions and struggles, it’s refreshing and reassuring to hear.
“I did have a pretty bad depressive episode in my early twenties,” he explains “So I knew I’d been through it, but afterwards, I kind of brushed it under the rug like ‘that was rough, I’m not gonna think about that again!’ Then I had another episode like three or four years ago that was pretty bad and so I went to a doctor.” John then proceeded to tell me how these conversations with his doctor lead to a diagnosis of depression.
“I was like ‘shit he said the “depresh” word’, and that was like the first time. It was like clear, ‘you’re depressed.’ Oh, that’s what this is! Ok, at least now we have one concrete thing we can focus on to try and work through. When you don’t have the words to wrap around something you’re basically in quicksand, there’s nowhere to get a footing.” John describes how the insight and guidance he receives from reaching out for assistance helped him find a solid ground from which he could work on feeling better.
In some of the most turbulent and darkest times of my life, skateboarding has been the positive outlet that has allowed me some distraction and relief from whatever internally or externally feels overwhelming. It has also provided me with a place to go, a place where I can build a community I can connect to at all times.
Throwing down the board, pushing through a known or unknown city, bombing a hill in the countryside, riding a curb or finding the locals in a small town can all help disrupt the broken record that feels like quicksand as John describes it.
Buy the board, watch the doc, check out the links to see how you can help. Take care of yourself and of others. When you’re a skater, you’re never alone, you have family all around you. Ask the tough questions, show the real love.
Trainings for mental health first aid are available in the US and Europe, online and in-person through this link for the US and the MHFA in the UK.
John also notes that Cascadia, The QPR Institute, Living Works and the National Council are all helpful organizations with lots of information and resources for yourself or someone you’re concerned for.
