We chatted with Kim Sedman (aka Wheelygooddoodles), an artist and skateboarder from Hull, UK about her experience with skateboarding injuries and the impact they had on her mental health. Using art as a way of dealing with her mental health issues and expressing herself, Kim discusses what it’s like to launch a full fledged brand, as well as how even though skateboarding completely devastated the life she had before, it is still something she does to clear her mind and be the person she wants to be. We also touched on how it feels to be a girl skater at the skate park, especially a beginner, and what you can do to overcome the fear of “embarrassment” and get more self confident. We all know skateboarding is a journey through selfhood. Kim Sedman’s is truly both brutal and beautiful.
Interview by Denia Kopita
Photography by Joseph Rubio
Illustrations by Kim Sedman
Published in April 2021
When did you start Wheelygooddoodles?
I started Wheelygood in 2017, basically when I broke my leg, I just started drawing and it spiraled into Wheelygood. Now, I consider myself an illustrator. I’ve been skating for three years now. That’s pretty much me.
How did that name come to life?
I was in a wheelchair and everything was wheelygood and I just never changed it, [laughs].
Was art something you’ve always pursued?
I’ve always been quite artsy in school and stuff. But when I went to university, I pursued music business and was really into live events and music. I’ve always been one of those people who are never satisfied with having one thing. I try everything. Wheelygood was just a method of pure fun. Then when my friends started to respond to it I started thinking, “Okay. Maybe I’m good at this.”
You’ve mentioned your injury. Was that skateboarding related?
Yes, I was very unlucky. I get nervous talking about it because I really don’t want to scare other beginner skaters. But I was really unlucky on my first injury. I was learning to drop in and didn’t know what to do on the other side [of the ramp]. I didn’t know how to stop or anything and I hit the ground and snapped my knee and my ankle. It was really fun, [laughs]. But it was a really unlucky injury for someone so fresh in the skate game. Then I was in the hospital and had to have a metal rod put through my leg to keep it together and after that, I was in a wheelchair in recovery while my leg was healing.
Can you describe how that affected you mentally?
It was a really big shock at first because I thought that in six weeks it would be healed. Then I had loads of problems with the hospital. They did my surgery wrong which then caused me to need another surgery. My body was obviously so weak and unhappy that I got really badly unwell because of it. My leg started rejecting treatment and I just got really unwell in the hospital. Because of all these complications, it ended up going from a bad break to like six months in and out of the hospital. Back in, back out. That was obviously a real dramatic change for my life with my job and my university and it was all just because of a stupid skate injury, [laughs].
What were some of the factors plaguing your mental health?
The worst part was the shake up of my life. I was still young, I wasn’t financially secure. My parents weren’t able to help me financially and I was really struggling with student finances. All my outside world problems were the only things I could really focus on while I was in the hospital. My parents don’t live in London, so they weren’t able to come to the hospital–while my friends lived on the other side of London. I was in the hospital quite a lot on my own that six month period and it’s not an environment you can be healthy and happy in, especially when you’re constantly on the verge of, “Will I lose my leg? Will I ever walk again? Or will this ever stop?”
How long until you were able to walk again?
I was in a wheelchair for probably about three or four months. It was quite annoying. I would start to walk again but then something would happen and then I would go back into surgery. I had to keep restarting quite a lot which was quite frustrating.
How many surgeries did you do in the end?
I think it was three in total. Each one just got worse because my body wasn’t happy. It couldn’t handle being messed around with that much. I just got really really unwell.
How was it when you finally left the hospital?
At that point, when I returned to reality, after being in the hospital and constantly around people and constantly being cared for–when I returned to reality I forgot how I was before. I forgot who I was, I forgot how to live and I forgot how to be alone. I just freaked out. It was a real downfall, [pause]. All these mental health issues just came at me as soon as I walked out like, boom.
That must have been terrifying not knowing how to function in reality?
Everyone’s experienced their own anger and trauma but I hadn’t experienced anything debilitating or anything that affected me so badly prior to the accident. When I came out of the hospital, it was a long string of stresses of losing myself, feeling really unhappy. I noticed I was really scared of the world. I was really scared of everything, of death, terrified that everything would hurt me. I just couldn’t fathom that bad things won’t happen to me. My whole life revolved around protecting myself and that is when I got diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, and OCD.
After your diagnosis of PTSD, anxiety, depression and OCD, what was next for you?
At first I started noticing how I had quite bad anxiety in public places, tubes etc. I started really getting worried about a lot of things that I hadn’t before, so I seeked therapy through the National Health Service (NHS). It was only six sessions and it wasn’t really helpful. I had to wait a long time and by my fourth session, we hadn’t even started working on things and it was about to end. That therapy didn’t go very well and then I tried therapy through University but I found that it was the same situation. They had the attitude of telling me like, “Well, you’re not in a country where you get raped every day.” I was like, “Excuse me?”
If therapy wasn’t an option, what were you going to do to improve your mental health?
From that point on I felt deflated with the help I was getting so I tried to take it on myself. With the hospital and everything that happened to me, I wasn’t financially stable and didn’t have the money to go private but I also didn’t want to waste my time getting to any more of these therapies that were just not helping me or taking me seriously. For a year and a half, I really took it upon myself and tried to do other things; yoga, water, meditation. But obviously, when it comes down to an actual diagnosed mental illness, that’s actually not going to help you get better.
Is that when you started doing all the illustrations and Wheelygood?
Yes, I started all my illustrations. I left University, at this point. I had become a real adult which is terrifying because of all the debt I accrued because of my injury. I started working and getting a little bit more money and a bit more financially stable while working on Wheelygood. Eventually, I was able to pay for private therapy but only last year. It has taken me since 2017 to only last year to be able to get to a position of privilege to be able to afford help.
How would you say your art helped you in regards to your mental health?
When I started to feel the fear of the world I realized I’m not going to be able to live like everyone else but I wanted to be able to self sustain in doing something that will bring me joy and happiness. There are certain things in life I’m not gonna ever be able to do and I’m not ever going to feel comfortable doing because of my mental illness. Thus, I wanted to create a life for myself that is as good as it can be for me.
Is that essentially the story behind Wheelygood?
With Wheelygood, it was to give me something that I’m proud of and it makes me happy. It can help contribute towards my actual life and daily living and enable me to have the luxuries of therapy, [laughs]. To create this better life for myself and hopefully one day be able to actually just do it full time. That’d be my life that I’ve built for myself. To be able to say, “I did that myself. I’m proud of it.”
Art is a form of therapy for you now?
It’s so therapeutic, especially as someone who struggles to go out a lot and can’t really be on my own outside–I’m inside a lot. Drawing is a really good pastime for me and a way to feel like I’m not just stuck inside and I’m actually doing something I enjoy.
Would you say you are creating your own world through your illustrations?
Yeah, especially a lot of things I think of or I want to tell myself or a lot of struggles I go through. Illustrating them, it’s a mental release.
Would you say it’s like a diary but instead of writing, you draw things you want to express?
Yes. I’ll draw the things that I want to be and who I want to be and what I want, like nice sunny days and picnics; to be the person I want to be in my drawings. Sometimes I’ll be drawing how I’m feeling or my experience that day with something I’ve struggled with and it’s a very nice balance to kind of create my own little world of people. Yeah, you’re right.
Has it started conversations, especially online where you upload your work that you probably wouldn’t have had otherwise?
I’ve always been quite open and honest about my mental health when I understood it myself. The thing I’ve only recently just started speaking out on my page about is where my mental health came from. My problems with mental health actually came from my skateboarding accident. They’re not all to do with that but they came after that because it was such a big trauma.
Why were you reluctant to share where some of your issues stemmed from?
For a long time, I actually felt quite embarrassed about saying to people my skate injury really affected me because a lot of people would say, “Get up. Be gnarly. Go skate.” Especially as a female skater to say, “I got really messed up because of skateboarding,” skaters would say, “You’re just weak.” That was something I’ve only just opened up about and I’ve had such a massive response from people who messaged me back saying, “I’ve had the same thing… I’m going through the same thing,” and it was such a big eye opener when it comes to skate injuries we need to actually accept they are life-changing and you don’t have to be gnarly. You can let things upset you.
You mentioned some problems came right after your injury. How does skateboarding improve your mental health?
Skating has always been a vice for my mental health as a way to clear my mind and a way to be the person I want to be. Being injured and not skating, I felt really lonely and out of touch. A lot of my friends are into it so when we’re not hanging out, I just didn’t feel like the person I wanted it to be. That was really hard but the worst part was the fear. The post traumatic stress of what I’ve been through and trying to shake up that feeling or that every time I go skating I could potentially mess up my whole life again. Obviously, since I opened up about my accident, I have been doing a few therapy sessions in regards to how I feel towards skateboarding.
What’s it like for you mentally, skating now after all of this?
When I go to skate parks or when I’m skating, I get bad anxiety and I get triggered still. It’s something I want to do and I love to do it but I can get quite upset still just because it brings back a lot of memories. I can be having the best day at the skate park and learning so much stuff but if I even fall a tiny bit and just knock my knee, it can trigger me. I think that’s been something really hard to deal with because when you’re at a skate park, you don’t want to be sitting there crying because no one really understands why. They’ll ask, “Why are you crying?” I’m not gonna say, “Hey, don’t mind me. I have post-traumatic stress, [laughs].” It’s still something that I think if I never skated again, if I had that accident and never went back to it, I would regret that for the rest of my life.
What about skateboarding makes it something you could never stop doing, even in the face of these intense mental health challenges?
The community and everything about it. Everything good that comes with it outweighs all of the emotional trauma I still have. I’m building confidence at the minute still and working on my self confidence and feeling like I deserve to be at the park even while still knowing that it is a risk. Skateboarding is one of those things that brings me so much happiness and has brought me so many good memories and friends. At the end of the day, I could fall down the stairs walking to the kitchen. I might as well live on with something I love and come home with bruised legs.
You mentioned that you don’t want to start crying at the skate park but obviously some things trigger you. Do you think that affects you more because you’re a girl skater or do you think it would be the same if you were a boy?
That’s an interesting question because obviously I feel as a female and as someone who is still picking back up the basics, I’m learning very slowly. It might be three years but every time I’m skating it’s like starting over again. I’m still quite a beginner. We females have this connotation that we need to be brave and strong and show the guys we are just as gnarly and can do whatever they can do, [laughs]. It’s like when I’m going to the skate park and there’s loads of guys and they’re killing it, they’re crushing it but it’s already hard enough as a female to have self confidence and to feel brave and just feel welcome in this space. Especially with mental health, if I get triggered, I get quite upset and emotional and sit down. To other people in my eyes I don’t want to give them the concept that I’m scared or I’m upset or I’m nervous because I’m a girl. All these guys are there and they think that, “Oh, I just fell over a little bit and I can’t handle it.” That’s not the problem. It is hard and it takes more guts for me to sit down on the floor and cry my eyes out than it does to pretend that I’m all right.
Where do you think your strength comes from?
What we went through in my therapy is, “Do I care? Do I care if you have an opinion about why I’m upset or whether I’m struggling?” If you have an opinion on that, “Do I need to care about it?” If you’re the kind of person who’s gonna say things, I don’t really want to be associated with you. You’re clearly not a nice person. I’ve been really working through that quote and I deserve to be here. I’m just as worthy to be here as everyone else.
Amen.
Once you start using those quotes yourself and you start picking up, do what you want. If I feel upset, I’m gonna cry. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care if you’re gonna think that I’m crying because I’ve hurt myself. You have to learn to accept people are going to say stuff about you no matter what.
They’re always gonna have something to say. Even if you were doing the sickest tricks ever and absolutely killing it, they would say, “Well but she can’t do this nollie hardflip down the 7-stair,” [laughs].
It’s hard because as much as I have such a big history and I’m really brave and I’m really proud of myself for getting back on and skating still, no one will ever know my story unless I tell them, so people are gonna have connotations in their own head. They’re gonna think what they want. I’m not gonna go around to every single skater at the skatepark and say, “Hey, just so you know, I broke my leg and now I’m mentally unwell.” You have to learn to live with that discomfort or no one’s ever going to know your story. You have to let people be.
Why did you decide to become a voice in the conversation around mental health?
I felt quite angry and misunderstood and I was trying to understand myself so it came naturally. I was also quite lonely before explaining my story to people. At the start it was mostly my friends and the people I knew who are following me can see what I’m going through without me having to message everyone. Then it developed into something when people responded with interest and understanding. It goes from there and you realize that you’re not just a voice for yourself anymore but you’re a voice for all the people who messaged you saying, “Hey, I’m going through this as well.” You feel almost responsible to be honest about the reality of life, rather than just pretending that everything’s great and happy. When you start having people who are following you and they’re also relating to you in that sense, you feel a bit responsible to be a bit real.
Do you feel that a few years ago when you started, maybe there weren’t as many people in our [skateboarding] world talking about mental health? Do you feel that you were one of the people that helped bring up specific things that weren’t being discussed enough?
I’d like to think I have been that person to someone, which would be lovely. I’ve had such great feedback and made some lovely relationships. I would like to think for some people I have been that voice, especially as a female skater. I don’t know if I have but I guess that’s the whole point of it and that’s why you do it. Sometimes it feels a bit embarrassing and a bit like oversharing. But as soon as you realize that you’ve got one person you’ve helped or that you said something they needed to hear, it makes it all so worth it. When my accident happened, it was just clips of guys skating and there was no mental health conversation really. I think the big change happened when Ben [Raemers] tragically lost his life. That was a big turning point for me and my friends, my guy friends especially. When Ben passed and the Ben Raemers Foundation started doing the talks and all that coming into play, it felt more comfortable to be open around the skate community and being more, “Oh I’m a skater and I cry a lot and I want to talk to you.” It’s opened a massive conversation since then.
Do you feel like you related to the Ben Raemers story?
When Ben passed and the foundation got set up, it resonated with me so much. Every single time I skate I wear my Ben badge. It’s my little token of–I’m gonna get through this. When I’m having a really bad day with my depression and I’m feeling at the lowest, it’s just so bittersweet because you can resonate and you can see what suicide can do to all of these people who love you and care about you. I need to get through this and I will for me, for everyone. It’s so sad somebody had to lose their own life for it to have such an impact. It’s had such a massive impact on me and my dedication to getting better. It’s still so sad, [sigh].
Can you compare how both your art and skateboarding have contributed to your mental health in their own unique way?
Skating allows me to be me and be the person that I want to be. To be that person who’s outside having fun. It also makes me feel complete. Skating makes me feel like the person that I am, so if I don’t have it, it doesn’t feel like me. But when I do have it, it impacts my mental health so well because I feel like myself. It’s a really good excuse to get outside and have some fun. My art is therapeutic. It’s a way of expressing myself when I am struggling mentally and I can’t go outside. It reminds me I can still do things and I’m not stuck at home doing nothing. I have a way of enjoying life, even with my struggles.
Since being diagnosed with PTSD, what is something that helps you overcome the fear of skating again and also trying new tricks you can offer others who might feel the same?
The first part is getting myself back to skate parks and actually being in the environment. The hardest part about that is when you don’t have any self confidence, you just want to stay in the street on your own. When I was ready to get back on my board, my friends who have supported me from day one, the ISNBH skate crew, were going to be there for me. Take me to the park and be my body guards.That’s step one: ensure you have good people around you. You have these people that want you to do well. If you don’t have that, just be that person for yourself. Be that support system and get yourself back to that happy place. Even if it’s horrible, just do it and you’ll slowly start to enjoy the discomfort. And then once you’re back in these environments, accepting that you are a beginner, that you are going to be “shit” if that’s what people call it. You’re not going to be good at things because you have to start somewhere. And the thing that really helps is accepting you aren’t going to be able to be mad sick straight away. Everyone in the park had to learn to kickturn. Everyone in the park had to learn how to ride on the board down the ramp. I think with the tricks, what I do now is I ask people for help and advice and I’ll say, “Can you show me how to do that?” I’ll watch them and try. Just watching and learning, if you feel uncomfortable and you’re embarrassed or you don’t know what to do, just sit down and watch how people are using the obstacles and then go and try. That’s something I found has really helped me start getting tricks and learning things again. When I watch other people and try my version of that, [laughs].
How did you learn to accept and live with your mental health issues?
It’s important to state there are days I am so angry and I just want to be like everyone else and live like everyone else. But for the most part, accepting that you’re just different, it’s just how it is. You can fight it. You can wake up every single day and be so angry that you are stressed, depressed, anxious, can’t go outside. You can wake up angry every day if you want to but you’re never gonna get anywhere in life with that mindset. You’re just gonna hate everything and you’re gonna be miserable forever. Everyone has some bad days, obviously, even the most positive of people. I have them all the time. It’s just getting up every day and saying, “I just have to live my life a little bit differently.” When people get on the tube to a place, I’ll just get a bus because I can’t do that. When people go to the shop at night, I’ll take someone with me. You just have to learn that you need to do things your own way. You develop your own way to do things and that’s your little world. At the end of the day, nothing is normal. You have to make your own normality. There’s obviously things I would like to be able to do. I would like to go a week without being anxious or depressed and stuff, but that’s just not how my life is at the moment. I’m trying to get better, perhaps I will one day. Perhaps I won’t. Until I’m better, what can I do? I can’t fight it, I just have to let it be with me.
What would you say to someone who’s struggling right now?
When it comes to struggling mentally or emotionally, please take care of yourself. Nothing matters more and absolutely nothing is more important than listening to yourself. The laundry can wait until tomorrow–go lay down and have a nap, watch films. There is nothing in this world that is more important than listening to your body. You don’t have to do anything when you really, really think about it. If you can’t brush your teeth, use mouthwash. If you can’t put clean clothes on because you can’t be bothered, fine, just spray some deodorant. There’s so many little things you don’t actually have to do that you stress yourself about. Just take care of yourself and just go and enjoy life. That is all I can say. I’ve struggled so much with the pressure of feeling I have to be productive every day. Like I need to do this, this and this but then I think, “You know what? I don’t need to do any of that, I’m going to bed.” The world isn’t gonna stop if I don’t do it today. It’s about learning to take that pressure off yourself. Then the other thing is talk, please talk because I’m sure all of your friends would rather hear your problems than have to hear that you have been struggling for this long and haven’t said anything. Humans are very, very delightful people when you let them in.
That is so true, well said Kim. If you had a button that would change one thing, what would it be and would you push it?
Something very personal to me and is very connected to my story, if I had a button that your financial situation would not enable what level of help you can get for your mental health, then I absolutely would smash that button so hard. Take away any financial pressure from rehabilitation; that is what my button would be. Also, one that would get me a dog, [laughs].
That would also be great. Is there something else you would like to mention before we end the interview?
Something else I would like to mention is how the uproar of girls skate crews has definitely helped me a lot with being a beginner. Just seeing such a great representation of women has been such a game changer over the last year or two because you just don’t feel alone anymore. Since I picked skating back up, there have been so many girls that have picked up a board. And there’s so many girls at my level and so many people that are the exact same level as me. Then a few people are a few steps behind and they’re admiring me and I’m admiring the next person. I think that has been such a massive thing in my progress. There are girls that are skating everywhere.
Thank you for opening up Kim and for a lovely chat.
Thank you for having me, it means a lot.
IG: @wheelygooddoodles, @kimfromhull
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